The Fragility of Me

The fragility of me

This morning I woke up feeling like a glass bobble in the unsteady hands of someone who's about collapse. The weakness in my arms, in my legs, and in my chest. I lay there wondering yet again what is life? Why am I here? The ghosts of the past haunting in the early morning hours.

Even while I win, I feel like I'm losing. But even as I type this, I think to myself: 

I must touch the things that I am, the things I'm doing.

First, I'm raising a beautifuly, happy and healthy little girl

Second, I have the most loving, kind, and patient husband

Third, I'm going to college, actual college. What might seem like a practical dream to some, it's a mountain I've spent a lot of time climbing, and I got here. And there was pain, but I'm here and I'm happy

Fourth, I have friends and family, they are wonderful. I may feel like people are tired and annoyed around me, but in reality they only occasionally think of me. And, if they are annoyed with me, then I don't care to know them.

Fifth, my home is warm, cozy, and decorated the way I want. I'm safe

Sixth... Sixth, I feel sad today and I wished I didn't. There's a lot of pressure on people who struggle with depression. We wish we had many days full of lighthearted joy, but some of us have more bad days sometimes than good. And it's hard on the people around us

And so I'll stay on these calm waters today. I'll hold myself gently, carefully, knowing tomorrow will most likely be better. If it isn't better? I have a plan for that too.

***

it's okay,

jj