Find

I'm having one of those mornings when all the painful memories swirl in my mind. They remind me of times when I'd failed, or when others failed me. They remind me of the dark transitions from what used to what will be. 

I'm scared in a lot of ways right now. 

The responsibilities of life are crowding the dreams of life. The push and pull of what I want and what is. I'm overwhelmed and I wish I wasn't. I'm tired and I wish I wasn't. I feel stuck and I wish I wasn't. Somebody help me because I wish I wasn't. 

I'm needy and sad and exhausted.

I can't hear or see beyond what I'm worried about. I'm down and out, nothing but a dirtbag heart and a mind that's smart, take me away toward the sunset and let me sleep in the backseat of the car under the stars. Let my imagination soar, this is something I can't ignore. Push me into the water, let me laugh and live and hope, a sign on a wall in a house I don't want, thank you very much, nope. 

Why does everyone else get all the nice things?

I don't want to get lost, guys. I don't even want to be found.

I want to find.

*** 

it's okay,

jj