Assertive vs. Passive Agressive
Being assertive vs. passive aggressive.
Assertive is define as, "having or showing a confident and forceful personality." Passive aggressive is, "of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials."
I've been told twice at two different jobs by co-workers that I have in the past, (or just was in an active conversation a few minutes before) passive aggressive. Both times I was affected greatly by the feedback.
I was about 26 the first time, 7 years ago, and although maybe I WAS passive aggressive (???) and didn't see that because it was a blind spot (???). I think there was more to it. I'm considering now, that the actual characteristic I displayed (it was on staff at a church) was assertiveness.
There were a handful of times when I approached men with clarity of thought, eye contact, and confidence. I think there were men (the context is patriarchy, not that all men are evil), that were not used to that and didn't have the word for assertiveness. (And, unconsciously did not think that women should be assertive).
According the definition of passive aggressive, I was never unclear, or moody, or indirect. I didn't procrastinate, I NEVER pouted (that makes me laugh as I type this, I can’t imagine pouting in the workplace), and I certainly didn't misplace important materials.
I think, I was just, quite simply, assertive.
The same happened a few months ago at my last job. I approached the manager and said: "The way the system is working now brings a lot of stress and confusion. Can we have a conversation on how we can both work together to make that part of the day in the schedule less stressful for me, my co-workers, and children? I'm totally on your team with this." (This was at a childcare center.)
The manger seemed to receive the feedback well. She wasn't part of that transition every day and wouldn't have known it was stressful for her employees. Later, a co-worker asked me if I was okay because I seemed like I was being passive aggressive toward the manager. I think, they used the wrong word: I believe I was being assertive.
I'm pretty sure, I just tend to be unafraid of assertiveness. I can't imagine that being a bad thing.
I share this, because it's a bit of a therapeutic realization. It's a characteristic that I've secretly felt like was a negative aspect within me, but I'm not one to be silenced, withhold important feedback, or become resentful towards someone while not telling them my true feelings.
So no, I don't tend toward being passive aggressive, I leaned into assertiveness, and as a woman in a world of patriarchy I think that can rattle some, but trust me... I'm on your side in the workplace and in life, no matter who you are.
And, I'm not sorry about it.
it's okay,
jj
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