Orient Myself

Today I toured college at 32 years old. (Well five days way from 32). 

Here's a poem what I saw and felt, ready for it? (It's 50/50 whether you are or not). 

***

The heat on my skin from a nearby sun.

Trees and flowers and the blur of my anxiety.

Greeting, a t-shirt that's the wrong size,

and my voice in my fakey-calm voice.

Tables and pens and pamphlets

and free cookies, sandwiches, drinks.

I take a cocoa-cola and will regret

not taking a water later.

At first I'm unsettled because

everyone is a child, they're all 18.

All of them, but it's like a spider,

they're more of afraid of all this

then I am, and that settles me.

I tell myself to remember that I'm

not a mother, teacher, sister, friend.

I'm a student.

That's it. I got no one to impress.

I just have to do homework,

study, test, sit in class,

listen and learn.

There's pressure to go 

table to table and 

talk to all the people, 

but I don't want too.

And so, I take the tour,

and this little cheerlaeder

who is doing a great job

at her touring job takes us 

around and I walk through 

hallway, gym, classroom,

library and under trees and this

is the part I regret not taking

water because there's a lot

of outside happening

and damn it's hot.

Oh, my photo ID isn't 

terrible. That's nice.

And this is the first time

in my life I've been excited,

that I've gone into something

afraid and nervous and anxious,

but holy cow I'm so excited, 

because I'm grabbing hold

of something that will be mine.

(There's a whole story

where I was in a cult

and they said

there was only one

school I could attend

and that's how I got

my associates in 

Biblical Studies

and that's fine, 

but I'm 32 years old

 (in 5 days) and this is...)

It's something I thought

through and want

and I hope it serves me

and my family and others

well in the end. The End.

***

it's okay,

jj